Sometimes ago, a very close friend of mine shared with me very interesting facts about life and I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of nights in a row. It didn’t really catch my attention at first but as I sat on my couch in my cosy apartment enjoying a bottle of beer and thought deeper about it, it became crystal clear the truth in what he shared with me. And it felt a little bit disturbing; perhaps it does imply on me to a certain degree.
He said pain is inevitable in life, whether we are talking about physical aches or emotional ones. An important part of being mentally healthy and having a happy life is understanding that while pain is going to visit us from time to time, suffering is optional. A major of suffering for many of us is our attachment to illusions.
Illusions come from all sorts of places. Sometimes we are unaware of how the world around us is changing; things that were once true no longer are. This can happen very easily in the world of work – skills that were sufficient to perform well 10 years ago are no longer enough today. Not noticing these changes makes us vulnerable to unemployment.
Other illusions may centre on the way we view ourselves. We hold onto ideas of how we used to be, despite evidence that we aren’t as generous, charming, witty or youthful as we imagine ourselves to be.
Perhaps the most painful illusions are those we have about other people and our relationships. This is especially true when we form attachments to people that aren’t based on reality.
Buddhists believe that attachment is the source of much suffering in life. That is certainly true regarding relationships. When we fall victim to wishful thinking while dating, we set ourselves up for disappointment – or for entering relationships that are doomed from the start. Illusions happen when we hold to beliefs like “He’ll change after he moves in with me.” Seeing the world the way we would like it to be rather than the way it truly is means that we’re living in fantasyland. This is not a place where relationships flourish; it’s a place where suffering flourishes.
When we start a new relationship, we are enchanted – it’s as if we are literally under the spell of our new lover. We don’t see faults; we see only what excites and delights us. That’s a lot of fun, but a relationship that’s built on not paying attention to the totality of a person isn’t going to survive. Becoming disenchanted can mean leaving behind the magical thinking that comes with trying to live in fantasyland. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Successful dating and meaningful relationships require reality testing. We keep our eyes and hearts open for new information. We are willing to let go of illusions, including the illusion of perfection, because in the long run our happiness depends on keeping our feet on the ground.
It’s often bittersweet to let go of illusions, and the death of some illusions may require almost as much mourning as the death of someone physically present in our lives. But an end to suffering and opening ourselves to true happiness requires us to let go of attachment to fantasy and to be willing to accept reality.
If anyone of us (including me) is still living within our own circle of illusions, I guess it’s time to step out of that circle and let go. I know…reality sucks at times but that’s life! - A
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